A whole bunch of new happennings

Near the end of this second semester of officially being a grad student ^_^ I don't know where to start to explain the whirl-wind that has been my life.

All my classes are graduate classes and I *love* them!! I am *so* glad I didn't do the Interp major for a Bachelors because I would have stopped taking performance-based classes my sophomore year. Now, almost every class I have takes me further into the realm of stretching my skill and strengthening my talent. In one class right now, I am working on how a piece where the first-person narrator is an older fat Southern uneducated black woman realizing the difference between her slow, scarred younger daughter and her over-confident, educated, graceful older daughter as the older comes to visit for the first time in 15 or so years. To play it off convincingly I need to "become" a character I have no reference for.

On a different subject, last semester I was in default mode emotionally because I could not face the wreck and ruin of my heart. I realize now after seven months of being single how in love I was with my ex-boyfriend. After the break became permanent and he told me why, I continued to see him around campus and at church (we are both in the same choir). He would always smile and say "Hi" to me and I would give him a hurt and mostly scared expression in return. To add acid to the wound, he started dating a girl he counseled with almost two months after the break-up. Well, February 22nd was a momentous day for me because it was the first day since our break-up that I actually felt no pain when he passed by me and said "Hi". It was a literal miracle. I was light on my feet the rest of the day rejoicing that God brought me through that crucible. It was then that I was able to truly look at how deep the hurt was and how He has carried me through the entire thing.

Now, I am happy to say that I have not only gotten completely over my ex-boyfriend, but I have even been on a date with another boy. A non BJU boy. A boy who had only been inside the bubble once before I met him. Can you tell I'm smiling? And before you ask, Yes, he is a Christian. He took me out to dinner before we went to see Living Gallery together. Imagine my smile getting a bit bigger. I can barely contain the girly giggle that surfaces every time I think about it. We'll see if it actually goes further.

Subject 3: Recital. The thing that has been most on my mind lately is my grad recital I will have to perform next year. I am hoping to do a Jewish re-telling of the story of Esther. The Jews celebrate the Purim festival every year a month before Seder. And next year that day falls on March 9th which happens to be the day before Gold Rush Daze. Now, Purim is one of the most celebrated Jewish holidays and they have way too much fun (costume parties, booing and hissing when the story is told at Haman's name, etc.) so I figure if I have my recital that day before Gold Rush Daze, the students who come would be in a celebratory mood which would make the most out of the recital since I plan on having direct audience participation. I just need to decide if I really want to do that night or not. We'll see.

Subject 4: Next semester. This semester I had wanted to put on a Reader's Theater version of Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader. It didn't work out because I hadn't taken the class Staging Literature which I happen to be taking right now. Just this morning I was asking a teacher a question about something entirely different and the topic came up again about doing a Reader's Theater next semester (Fall 08). Well, if I can read the signs right, it might not only happen, but be a Dinner Theater production as well. Any more details I cannot give at the moment except to say I am totally stoked.

Well, I think I've procrastinated writing a handout for a class tomorrow long enough and I think I've divulged everything (at least the major subjects) that's going on in my life right now. If I get into a pensive or contemplative mood in the next two weeks, I'll try to post something instead of a rambling of my life's events :P

Till next time

Relief

I am sooo glad that paper is over.

My editor friend said I needed to make my paper flow a little better. So after I wrote my rant/hope-for-an-idea post, I believe I got inspiration from God to do a sort of lighthouse theme. I went back through my entire paper and put in little bits about how this was a lighthouse and that was a stumbling block and so on and so forth so that by the time I got to the conclusion, I had only a page and a half left to write. Then I just pulled in another two quotes from Tolkien and Lewis about how fantasy is a light or helps illumine something and I was done.

Did I mention I was rejoicing that the paper was over?

Conclusions

I have to write a conclusion now for a paper due tomorrow and have no idea where to start.

The paper is for a research class and the teacher has been teaching this class for years, so he knows what's good and what's not. It's supposed to be no less than 20pgs long and I'm now on pg 17. I don't know where to go from here.

So I figured rambling into space might help.

The paper is about the appropriateness of fantasy and how Christians should be discerning when wading through the books or movies in that particular genre. I look at the three authors almost anyone thinks of when they hear fantasy: J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, and J.K. Rowling. I walk through the definition of fantasy and myth, compare and contrast each of these authors, look a why kids are so attracted to the genre, give recommendations for authors and cautions against others.

Now I'm stuck. I don't know what to write. I have three more pages and I've hit a brick wall. This cannot happen to me now. I need to keep writing. I need to go to sleep soon, or lack of sleep will force me. I need to finish this now.

Unfortunately, no ideas have come to mind. By hook or by crook (i will avoid the crook part, i think)i will get this paper done.

I'll update when the ordeal is finally over.

which, btw, on a completely different note, I am now on facebook. come find me.

*the trumpet choir sings*

I'M IN!!!!!!!

I'm into the grad program to get my Masters in Speech Interpretation!

God is better and above all imagination. He has given me a chance at my dream - sharing my love of people and their stories - through learning how to tell stories better. I have a chance to give Him the fruit of my passion, my art as a living sacrifice for my lifetime worship of Him. He has given me a chance to offer praise for His unbelievable generosity, in telling the stories of people living their life in this wonderful world He created. There is no better way that I can think of that I can show others how truly loving and amazing He is. I'm running out of adjectives to describe my Almighty LORD.

And at this moment I cannot laugh hard enough for the tears running down my face in joy and wonder that my God loves me. He loves wretched me so much more than I can ever understand. At this time last night I was wondering why He let me fail again when I just wanted to show Him how much He meant to me and today He has proven, yet again, how much He cares for me.

Last Friday I had my audition, my platform, to get into the Masters program. To tell the truth, I was ready for a "Yes" or a "No": a decision. I didn't care a wit about one way or another because I knew God was good and He was in control. That afternoon I found out that I wasn't accepted into the program, but neither was I rejected. The committee wanted me to take the undergrad prerequisites and try again in December. So it wasn't a "Yes" or a "No", it was worse. It was "Maybe". It was "Wait".

I feel like I have been waiting my whole life.

I have been dreaming of my Prince Charming ever since I first saw Princess Bride and Sleeping Beauty when I was a kid. When I was thirteen I decided not to kiss any guy until the altar. So I waited for "Love's First Kiss".

I have been dating a guy seriously for the past three years and each year I kept telling myself, "Only two more years to wait. Only two more years to wait," as this guy turns more and more into my Prince Charming the more I learn about him. We broke up last week because it was still another "two more years" until anything could deepen between us. It is agony to wait, so when he told me he thought it would be best to break for right now, I was ready.

God gave me a gift that is him in that he never took advantage of me, but always honored me and our relationship. And it is only because of God that I can say I have no regrets and that I am better for knowing him. I am not a miserable wreck. I am able to be truly happy even though I am no longer dating him. Some day, I hope, my dream will come true and I will finally get "Love's First Kiss" by my Prince Charming. But right now it is hard to believe that dream.

Sometimes I feel sick to my stomach. Sometimes I wonder if my heart actually knows what has happened, or if I have buried it so deep that it cannot see how painful (when I'm honest with myself) this is. Sometimes I can shrug it off. And every time I try to look to my God because I know He is good and that He loves me and that He showers me with blessings if I can only open my eyes wide enough to see them and I try to trust that His plan is perfect.

So when I was told not "Yes," not "No," but "Wait" it was, in my mind, the worst possible thing I could have heard. "Yes" means that I am here at BJU for another two years getting my Masters. "No" meant I would go home after my contract is up in June and start moving on with my life. "Wait" I felt was just pushing off my future one more time so I could not reach it again.

This weekend has been miserable as I have tried to cope with what God was telling me. He told me to wait yet again and I was struggling to be happy and content with that. I love my God, but I was questioning why I had to wait longer, why I could not move forward but had to stay perfectly still and wait. Like I said before, I wondered why God let me fail to be able to show Him my passion and worship Him in it.

From the moment I learned this afternoon that "Wait" was "Yes" because there was some confusion, I could not stop smiling. The committee thought I could not be accepted into the program until the undergrad classes were taken care of when, instead, I could be accepted and start working on grad classes while taking those pre-req classes. Joy has been bubbling out of me as I tried all day to (unsuccessfully) contain my excitement.

I just now opened the official letter from the Dean of the School of Fine Arts and tears suddenly started pouring down my face while my heart laughed with utter emotion of inexpressible love and gratitude and amazement for my Father in heaven. I sank to my knees in worship that He would give me such a gift. My God loves me, that I know; and He is good, too, that also I know. Now I know without a shadow of a doubt that even though my heart may break in the act, even though I cannot see the smallest step in front of me, He is guiding me through this life. He makes certain my foot is always sure and that if I just trust that though only He can see the road, He will still lead me onward and won't let me stumble.

My God is good. My God loves me. And I now trust that He will direct my path perfectly.

:D

I met with that Chairman again (third time total) and did the scene just before Buttercup pushes the man in black down the ravine. He said I had really nice, clear characterization, I had good diction, Buttercup had a definite character, and from what he saw, he thinks I have potential.

Which means he told me to go ahead with the audition/platform AND even though we had only met a few times, he (since he is the Chairman) is going to waive two, if not all the pre-requisite classes I'm signed up for next semester.
He let me borrow a few books so I can catch up on some jargon that I would have learned in the classes he's waiving.

AND he is going to recommend to the Head of the department that I have the platform/audition at the end of the summer instead of the end of next semester.

AND he said that it would be pointless to prepare something that I won't be using in the future, BUT if I wanted to work on some of the pieces for my platform/audition, then he would be more than willing to work with me on them.

:D

I'm so excited!

Summer

The sprinklers are going to town behind the girls' dorms right now. The sound of them going back and forth bring back memories of when I was a kid and had to get up at 6:30am for school each morning. I knew I had over-slept my alarm when the sprinklers outside my room started up (I always kept my window open at night). I also knew that summer was pretty close for us to use the sprinklers each morning. I love how a simple sound like that could ignite so much hope then and so much comfort now.

I'm working here at good ol' BJU again this summer. This was the part of my contract that I was dreading - being in Greenville during the hot and humid months. And it is definitely not as I thought it would be. There is such a laid-back atmosphere around campus during the summer that makes up for the fast-paced slow-down-and-you-crash momentum that runs this place during the school year. After being here last summer and now this summer (working in air-condition rooms the whole time), I am really grateful for the chance to relax and have fun.

And now on to the news everyone probably has been waiting to hear for a very long time.

No, I am not engaged. I know that's what some who actually know me in person want to hear, but I can't really tell you anything except that it might not be for another two years. I can tell you, though, that God is good. :)

After having that talk with the academic-savvy person, I finally got smart and figured out that I really love Theater and was willing to fight for a place in that field. So I went to see the Dean of the School of Fine Arts to find out if I really couldn't pursue anything in Speech. He pointed me straight to the Chairman of the Speech Department, who said it was definitely a possibility, but I needed to see the Head of Speech Interpretation who in turn said he couldn't tell. I hadn't taken enough Interp (solo acting) classes for him to really see what my potential would be. So he suggested that I talk to the Chairman, who would happen to be here all summer, to see if I could set up a private lesson with him. All this happened in one day.

So I emailed the Chairman telling him what the Head of Interp said, and asked if he knew anyone who would be here over the summer. He emailed back saying he would be, and that instead of setting up an official class, why don't we do an informal diagnostic session for him to see if I would fit the program, and for me to see if I would like it. I said that would be great. That happened in three days.

At the beginning of the last week of school, I went from having no hope and wandering aimlessly to having a definite goal and hope that I would actually enjoy pursuing the reason why I am still in school.

Ain't God amazing?

So, now, a month into summer and I am having a blast. I've met with the Chairman twice already. The first time we met, he said to bring something to read, something I was already familiar with and had worked on in another class.

Guess what I took with me?

No, really. Guess.

Give up?

Fine, I'll tell you. The Princess Bride.

The book. Yep, folks. There really is a book for it. And it is *amazing*. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll fall in love with the story all over again.

Anyway, back to what's going on.

I read to him something I read to a class this past semester. It was the actual book intro to Buttercup, which begins (let's see if I can quote it from memory) "The year Buttercup was born the most beautiful woman in the world was a French scullery maid named Annette." No, really, that's how the story begins. Get the book and read it if you don't believe me. And I'll bet you won't be able to put it down. Get the 25th Anniversary edition, if you can.

He loved it. Said I did a really good job in creating interest, and such. He actually laughed at one point during it. I was definitely encouraged. Anyway, he told me to memorize the piece the next time we met. It was fun.

I love telling stories and bringing smiles to people's faces. It makes my world so much brighter that I can, in turn, make other people's worlds brighter. So, hopefully, I will be able to pursue a degree in telling stories to people.

Hopefully.
:D

Finally

I figured it was hightime to get into gear and finally post something. Of course, I've been thinking this way for the past three weeks, but now I finally have something to post.

My mom came a while back (no, this isn't the thing that gave me reason to write, but I figured I'd catch everyone up). It was grand having her here and seeing my weekday routines. Although, I could have gone without her pointing out to me that I waste a lot of time, but hey, she was here saying it in person instead of doing it over the phone.

Well, later that week was my audition/platform to get into the Masters program here for Dramatic Productions. How do you think it went? Well, I had prepared my actors so much (4 times we met for 2 hours), that they didn't need direction during the "platform". Apparently, they needed to be less polished, so I could direct so the board could actually see my work. The day before I had turned in some paperwork, an analysis of the play from which the scene was chosen (Cherry Orchard, but I didn't have a choice on what play to pick from), a list of theater experience (when and what), a floor plan of the scene (showing where everything is in the room), and a paper on the roles and limitations of the Christian in theater. I found out after the fact that they needed to see me direct to see my style of directing, I needed to have more sources in my papers because what I gave them wasn't worthy of someone entering the grad program, and I "just didn't fit".

*sigh*

The whole reason I came to BJU in the first place was because of the theater program here, and now I'm not allowed to study it. The door was slammed shut when he said, "We are praying that you see this closed door as an opportunity to explore the other paths God may have for you." So, I'm taking that to mean, "Not only can you not get your Masters in Theater here, but you can't get any kind of degree in Theater here."

So I met with the HR lady to see what was happening with my scholarship, and she didn't know, so she pointed me to an academic savvy advisor, and he was thrown off when his secratary said a "sam" was coming up and he was expecting a guy. So he asked for a few days to research the situation and see what avenues were open to me. I met with him again and left with a list of possiblities, all of which will take me 2 and 1/2 years or more to complete.

And I have no idea what to do.

I could get a Masters in Personnel Services (a guidance couselor, of sorts), Elemetary Ed (I would get my teaching credential), Secondary ed (I wouldn't get my teaching credentail), the "everyone's doing it" road of Counseling, or I could get a second under-grad degree. I'm leaning toward the "take-random-classes-till-contract-is-up" road, but I've got friends pointing toward the El ed thing.

I just really don't know what to do. I've never had a definite plan for what I wanted to do when I got out of college. My perfect future job changes with the weather, it seems, so for me to have a definite thing I want to pursue is non-existent. I have no idea what road to take because they all look pretty much the same. At least I was interested in Theater, and probably always will be, but I don't have the "A+" drive to get what I want (ie. grades and commitmant). I have the desire to make the lives of the people around me a little better and less stressful, but that really isn't a career path.

I'm stuck and I don't know where to go.