January 07, 2006

Expectations and Disappointments

It has been almost a year since I've blogged. It's partly because I lost the link to adding another entry, the other.....Well, because I didn't have anything witty or encouraging to say to those of you that actually read this thing. I know that reader preference shouldn’t be the reason to write something down. Writers claim that even if there was no one else in the world who could read their stories, they would still write just to tell the life, or a piece of a life, of their characters. I am not so idealistic.

I am writing now, however, because I finally, of all things, have something to vent. Something that if I write it down, somehow I can understand and trust God better.

An expectation. Ever since my sophomore year at BJU (I am now a senior graduating in May *silent cheer*) when I first heard they were doing a movie on it, I have been looking forward to seeing the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe on the big screen inspiring me to read the books one more time and live the unbelievable adventure that plays in my imagination.

But, every time I read that book by C.S. Lewis, no matter what my feelings are about the rest of the story, I always stop at the death of Aslan. It breaks my heart, as he is shaved so he is no longer recognizable as a lion, painting a picture of our God being beaten past the point of being recognizably human. Then he is killed with his love being what seems for nothing. And I cry. I cry for a fictional character because of the Person he represents and His sufferings for us. His love is so deep that He would suffer the cross for us. And tears roll down my cheeks now, as I think about it.

A disappointment. In order to actually graduate this May, I need to take OCP. In order to be accepted into the Masters I would like to take at BJU, I need to take Speech and Vocal Skills. So this past semester I looked into substituting one for the other. This head of the department suggested it, this dean of the department said it wouldn’t happen. This dean of a school said he would allow it, and now another says he won’t. I had signed up for Speech, and now I can’t take it. If I don’t take it now, I don’t know how I’ll be able to complete my Masters on time. No, not my Masters, but the deficiencies to actually get into the Masters.

I found out about it this evening, and my mind has been on it ever since, unless I turn my thoughts back to Narnia, and in turn Aslan, which of course turns to Jesus..... Huh. Just now, as I was thinking over what else to say, something deep and thoughtful and penetrating, yet sincere and honest (shows how caught up I am in looking smart), a verse went through my head: “And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

I need to have faith. I need to have hope. And I need to be filled with His love. To have faith that all will work together for good for those that love Him. To have hope that we will all be liberated from this world’s sin and decay and be brought into the glorious freedom offered to the children of God. To be filled with His love that I might have both of these and share it with those around me.

God moves. He is living and in our lives in such an apparent way, we cannot help but be changed by it. I started this blog with the intention of wallowing in some form of pity, but I am ending it with a contentment I pray I always have, but always struggle for. God moves, and we hope. In the book, Aslan is on the move and everyone hopes for an end to the long, lifeless winter. Life imitated by art, and art pointing us back to Life.

Posted by Fae at 04:50 AM