I have a confession - I have a fear of growing old and old age.
I don't know where this fear came from. It may be the fact that I fear the slow degeneration of the body. The gradual loss of function and mobility. The unyielding ticking of the clock that signifies my body breaking down and not being able to repair itself as efficiently as it once did. I fear each day when my hips don't work as they did. When the wrinkles on my forehead get a little deeper. When the veins and sunspots on the back of my hands get darker.
I fear waking up in the middle of the night disoriented and unable to get out of bed for the simple process of going to the bathroom. I fear the loss of my mind, my memories, my recall. I fear the slow death of old age.
But doesn't everyone? Isn't that why there is a multi-billion dollar industry to preserve youth? Isn't that why Florida was first colonized searching for the fountain of youth?
Yet my fear also fascinates me. It fascinates in that it is almost beautiful the way wrinkles appear on the face and tell a story about the person's life.
If I could get the wrinkles without the breakdown of bodily function and mobility, I think I would be ok with old age.
This has really come to forefront in my mind because recently an older man is wanting to court me. He is 20yrs older that me and his body has taken a beating from his pre-conversion life. I can see the loss of elasticity in his skin, the wrinkles on his forehead and hands. And it scares me.
The Bible talks about loving the wife of your youth. It talks about life-long commitment to a husband or wife. What if that life is already half spent? What my mind is circling around is the fact that if I marry this man, I won't have time to enjoy being married and being young with him. I will get to watch him go from old to older. There is no clock reversal. There is no way for me to live with him when he was my age. His father died when this guy was my age.
At first I thought I would be ok with it since it has been done in the Bible and in literature. Famous couples as in Ruth and Boaz, Issac and Rebecca, Mary and Joseph as well as Jane and Mr. Rochester, Marrianne and Col. Brandon, Emma and Mr. Knightly all came to mind when I was first thinking about it.
While those marriages thrived, I was kinda hoping for someone more my equal in intelligence, maturity, AND age. Is that an impossible hope?
Or am I being too unrealistic? Here is a guy who REALLY likes me, likes everything about me, is smart, intelligent and loves how expressive I am. He is established and rooted. He is mature and capable. He wants to travel and to learn how to have fun with me. He's good with his hands to fix things and build things. He's just 20 years older than me.
I just don't know if I am ok with that.Posted by Fae at September 24, 2012 12:37 PM