January 12, 2013

Hmm, no echoes?

Nope, nobody reads this.

Unless you count spam. (which I don't)

Kinda sad really. On my part I mean. I don't have the discipline to keep up with stuff. Meaning writing. I don't have the discipline to write consistently and diligently.

It is currently 2:30am and I am in bed kicking myself for not turning off my computer sooner and going to sleep.

There are soo many things I've been thinking about and pondering and wrestling with and agonizing over that my sleep for the past 4 months has not been good. The only time it WAS good was when I worked for 16 straight hours going from my fulltime job straight into my part time Disney job getting home about this time. Then I would crawl into bed and blank out.

Now I get more than 7 and a half hours every night and I toss and turn contemplating the trials I am going through.

My fulltime job closed. I don't have ANY source of income at the moment. When I heard that office was closing I thought to myself, "Hmm. Now it's time to do something fun. VOICEOVERS!!!!!" And I subscribed to the websites I needed to subscribe to and I thought that I could make it.

It's only been 2 weeks, but I've gotten NOTHING. Only the advice that I need better equipment, I need a coach, and I need a website with which to brand myself and make myself stand out and be different.

Of course, ALL that costs money and I currently have $12k in credit card debt and parents' loan debt and $72 to my name. With nothing to add to it for another week and a half (I'm working at Disney all next week and I won't get paid till the Thursday after).

No jobs with Voiceovers, and 10 days before I can add to my stash. And of course, there is water and electric bills to pay in the meantime. Oy.

I'm thinking of going to my parents to ask for a loan again to help me get off my feet with the voiceovers. Not too sure how they would take it.

So that's one thing. The OTHER thing I've been wrestling with is the Older Man. He's everything I ever wished for in personalty and character of a guy. We REALLY click. The only thing I can't seem to get over is the fact that he is not my type, he is 20yrs older than me, and he has a belly (Not Santa Clause kinda belly, but a "was fit back when I was in high school" belly). I HAVE to tell him that I don't think of him in That Way, but it disheartens me because we get along so well. I feel like all my favorite literary characters at the same time, Anne Shirley who saw Gilbert as a friend only the 1st time he proposed, Anne Elliot when she met Capt Wentworth again. Elizabeth Bennett after she saw Darcy's house. Jane Eyre after the 1st time she meets Rochester.

I know all these end well and the guys gets the girl and all, but I also don't know how to get over the fact that I CAN'T see him That Way, The Way I need to be able to see him if I marry him.

Right now I just like him. I like him very much. But I HAVE to tell him the truth because I can't string him along. I've been coming up with reasons and speeches in my head to say to him to explain my view on things.

He bought me 2 tickets to go up into a hot air balloon and 2 tickets for the local Shakespeare company for the season for my birthday. And for Christmas, he bought me a 1st edition copy of the first book I recorded.

3 of my Top 5 favorite presents of ALL TIME are from him. THAT'S how well he gets me. And it KILLS me that I can't see him That Way.

I don't know what to do other than what is right. And I hate that I have to do it.

I hate that I can't just live my dream and make my living off of doing voiceovers right now but that I have to support myself while I pursue my craft.

Can you see now why I'm tossing and turning?

But God is good. And He is faithful. And His timing is ALWAYS perfect. He is sufficient. And He has me going through EXACTLY what I need to go through to learn something to become more like Him.

Any that is how I can rejoice in this time of trial.

Posted by Fae at 02:52 AM