May 19, 2006

Two weeks into it...

and one more week to go.

I've graduated. And I've lost the tassel we get to keep from our regalia. I've been home for almost two weeks now. My house is about halfway painted. My boyfriend probably has paint so into the crevices of his fingers that he won't get rid of it for another two weeks. I'm helping out with my parents' school play, doing the costumes and such. I'm also helping singing at my church which I got into because that is what my mom does and they needed help right at the time I came home. Wasn't that convenient? I've organized the pantry, a job my parents wait for me to do because I have the "special fingers". Next on the list is the laundry room *shudders*.

The weather has been sunny and hot and one of my forearms is darker than the other from driving around and sticking my arm on the cardoor. I'm making the patterns for costumes a friend of mine designed as well as making four chair and one bench cushion my former neighbor needs re-upholstered.

And yet I feel so unmotivated. There is this very well-worm rut I fall into everytime I come home. A certain routine and habit that I slip into and try so hard to break out of when I arrive here. Sleep in, have eggs and pulp-free orange juice for breakfast. Take both upstairs and check all internet stuff. Become bored and search around on the web until I'm needed at the school. Drive thirty minutes to my parents' school, help out, and become bored in the meantime. Leave early and pick up my youngest bro from school. Take him whereever he needs to go and return back home three hours after I left. Then spend the next three hours watching junk on TV because I have nothing better to do, or I am just so lazy I don't want to do anything. Have dinner, and watch a movie. Say goodnight right around 11pm, then go to my room and stay up another two hours watching another movie on my laptop. Then begin again the routine the next day.

I can't get a job while I am home, because I am only here for a month at a time. That would help with the monotony. I try to make projects for myself, but because I have so much time on my hands I feel like I can push those projects off until the last minute. I know I am one of the few fortunates that have so much free time on my hands that I don't know what to do with it all, but I'd feel more fortunate if I had a busy schedule. I sleep and watch TV because I have nothing better to do, then I stay up because I slept in and it is a never ending cycle.

I know from firsthand experience: you get more done when you have more things to do, not when you have more time to do it. I think I am happiest when I have so much to do, every moment must be planned in order to do it. I am not at all self-motivated so for me to start something with no reason is like a breach in character. I love coming home, but it is so easy for me to become bored here.

And then the thought slips into my mind, why not spend more time with Him?? You know, read the Word, pray, meditate. This extra time is a fantastic opportunity to really dig in and drink deep.

And that is when I see and experience how deep this rut-turned-ravine really is.

Posted by Fae at 03:59 PM