August 28, 2007

*the trumpet choir sings*

I'M IN!!!!!!!

I'm into the grad program to get my Masters in Speech Interpretation!

God is better and above all imagination. He has given me a chance at my dream - sharing my love of people and their stories - through learning how to tell stories better. I have a chance to give Him the fruit of my passion, my art as a living sacrifice for my lifetime worship of Him. He has given me a chance to offer praise for His unbelievable generosity, in telling the stories of people living their life in this wonderful world He created. There is no better way that I can think of that I can show others how truly loving and amazing He is. I'm running out of adjectives to describe my Almighty LORD.

And at this moment I cannot laugh hard enough for the tears running down my face in joy and wonder that my God loves me. He loves wretched me so much more than I can ever understand. At this time last night I was wondering why He let me fail again when I just wanted to show Him how much He meant to me and today He has proven, yet again, how much He cares for me.

Last Friday I had my audition, my platform, to get into the Masters program. To tell the truth, I was ready for a "Yes" or a "No": a decision. I didn't care a wit about one way or another because I knew God was good and He was in control. That afternoon I found out that I wasn't accepted into the program, but neither was I rejected. The committee wanted me to take the undergrad prerequisites and try again in December. So it wasn't a "Yes" or a "No", it was worse. It was "Maybe". It was "Wait".

I feel like I have been waiting my whole life.

I have been dreaming of my Prince Charming ever since I first saw Princess Bride and Sleeping Beauty when I was a kid. When I was thirteen I decided not to kiss any guy until the altar. So I waited for "Love's First Kiss".

I have been dating a guy seriously for the past three years and each year I kept telling myself, "Only two more years to wait. Only two more years to wait," as this guy turns more and more into my Prince Charming the more I learn about him. We broke up last week because it was still another "two more years" until anything could deepen between us. It is agony to wait, so when he told me he thought it would be best to break for right now, I was ready.

God gave me a gift that is him in that he never took advantage of me, but always honored me and our relationship. And it is only because of God that I can say I have no regrets and that I am better for knowing him. I am not a miserable wreck. I am able to be truly happy even though I am no longer dating him. Some day, I hope, my dream will come true and I will finally get "Love's First Kiss" by my Prince Charming. But right now it is hard to believe that dream.

Sometimes I feel sick to my stomach. Sometimes I wonder if my heart actually knows what has happened, or if I have buried it so deep that it cannot see how painful (when I'm honest with myself) this is. Sometimes I can shrug it off. And every time I try to look to my God because I know He is good and that He loves me and that He showers me with blessings if I can only open my eyes wide enough to see them and I try to trust that His plan is perfect.

So when I was told not "Yes," not "No," but "Wait" it was, in my mind, the worst possible thing I could have heard. "Yes" means that I am here at BJU for another two years getting my Masters. "No" meant I would go home after my contract is up in June and start moving on with my life. "Wait" I felt was just pushing off my future one more time so I could not reach it again.

This weekend has been miserable as I have tried to cope with what God was telling me. He told me to wait yet again and I was struggling to be happy and content with that. I love my God, but I was questioning why I had to wait longer, why I could not move forward but had to stay perfectly still and wait. Like I said before, I wondered why God let me fail to be able to show Him my passion and worship Him in it.

From the moment I learned this afternoon that "Wait" was "Yes" because there was some confusion, I could not stop smiling. The committee thought I could not be accepted into the program until the undergrad classes were taken care of when, instead, I could be accepted and start working on grad classes while taking those pre-req classes. Joy has been bubbling out of me as I tried all day to (unsuccessfully) contain my excitement.

I just now opened the official letter from the Dean of the School of Fine Arts and tears suddenly started pouring down my face while my heart laughed with utter emotion of inexpressible love and gratitude and amazement for my Father in heaven. I sank to my knees in worship that He would give me such a gift. My God loves me, that I know; and He is good, too, that also I know. Now I know without a shadow of a doubt that even though my heart may break in the act, even though I cannot see the smallest step in front of me, He is guiding me through this life. He makes certain my foot is always sure and that if I just trust that though only He can see the road, He will still lead me onward and won't let me stumble.

My God is good. My God loves me. And I now trust that He will direct my path perfectly.

Posted by Fae at 01:51 AM