American-style prayer

When I was a little kid in Sunday School, we used to sing the spiritually hollow but physically engaging song "I'm in the Lord's army."

Of course there was the main verse listing all the army-related things that we would act out--march in the infantry, ride on the cavalry, shoot the artillery, etc.

But I also remember other versions, like Mexican style or Cowboy style. These versions had their own stanzas with their own motions (e.g., "I may never wear a big sombrero, ride a donkey oh so slow, eat a cheesy taco...").

If you have sung it before, I'm sure you can finish it for me. But perhaps we all could use some brushing up on the words and motions for American-style prayer. It's familiar, so I’m sure you'll all recognize it.

What everyone needs to know to pray American style:

1. Stay distracted. Continually strive to reduce your miniscule attention span by constantly letting your mind chase rabbit trails so that you forget that you were even praying and then suddenly realize it 10 minutes later.
2. Pray on the go. If you miss the time when you had planned to pray, try to make it up while driving and apply the same ADD techniques from step 1.
3. Be brief. This is integral to praying American style. Try to do it in less than a minute. If it's a confession, remind yourself that asking for forgiveness or repenting is all you need to do to restore fellowship, and that those who are too heavenly minded are of no earthly good--and you sure have a lot of earthly good to do.
4. Don't think of anything doctrinally demanding. This takes too much time and effort.
5. Avoid listing or rehearsing characteristics of God. This generally applies to any of the -tion words as well. But this is not an absolute. Just make sure that if you use them, don't explain them, rehearse them, or remind yourself of what they mean.
6. Ask for things. You obviously have needs or at least you always need something. And you definitely know someone who is sick. These can be a quick prayers. Make these count for your daily prayer.
7. Use archaic words that sound good to you. Cliches are great. Choc your prayers full of them.
8. Be vague. Ask for God to be "with" someone.

9. Fill in the gaps. So that you can pray without stopping to think, insert God's name whenever you might pause if you were in a normal conversation.
10. Use stock leads. Another way to avoid stopping to think is to start with a phrase like "we thank you for..." or "we pray that..." even if you have no clue how you'll end the sentence.
11. Say something about the weather. It's easy, it's always there, and it doesn't require much thought. Referencing weather like this is a lot like any other superficial conversation people have, just more wordy.
12. Close your eyes. Just do it. You don't need to know why.
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Group Prayer
1. Power nap. If you're sitting down, rest your head on your knees. You might actually get in a power nap if it’s a decent sized circle or a long invitation.
2. Stock leads for the group. Start out the prayer with a phrase like this: "I just thank you for this time where we can come together and..." Everyone else has already said the phrase, so it will be familiar and you won't have to think about it.
3. Go solo. Don't pray along with the person who is praying. (Side note: This is where American style prayer may get confusing: even though you're not really supposed to be thinking about what you're saying, you need to say something that sounds good. For this reason you might have to think about what you will say while the others are praying).
4. Yawn a lot and rub your eyes
5. Bow your head. You don't need to know why about this, either. It's just something we do.
6. More stock leads. Start out with the phrase "Thank you for this day." Be careful, however, because you will be tempted to say "Thank you for this food" right after that since it’s your stock lead for your pre-meal prayer, too.

Important Final Note
This list should put you well on your way to American style prayer. But remember, just because you follow the letter of the law on these steps won’t guarantee that you are praying like an American. Many people who do not pray American style will ask for a blessing on the day or the food or “to be with” sick a person. They may bow their heads or use a stock lead. They may even do most of the things on the list. The key difference is this: you have to ignore the actual meaning of these phrases and use them only in the cliché sense.

Essentially, American prayer can be reduced to these 3 axioms: don’t think, be distracted, and be brief.