Trademark

I'm at the end of a week-long battle, one of many in this war for dominance over my life. And as I was returning from work this evening dog-tired as usual, I was listening to my iPod and the song "Trademark" by Relient K came on. Here are the lyrics to the first verse and chorus cause it is basically what I've been going through.

"Trademark"

i think it might just be alright
to leave what matters out of sight
old habits die hard, holding on
inevitable means it's never gone

told myself what i need to hear
i think the point was very clear
i showed me what we missed since we
slipped into inconsistency

it seems if my ties with you get severed
i can't seem to hold a thing together
i just fall apart
cause that's my trademark

it's my, my trademark move
to turn my back on you
it's my, my trademark move
to realize i should improve
and sometime soon after that
you'll see me come crawling back

Now let me sort of explain my reason for including this song. And why with God's help I've conquered this battle. It all starts with the message I heard this morning.

Instead of going to the church I normally go to, I took advantage of the open invitation the Bahruths offered me. They are the family Bob and Arlene Hughes (an older couple at my church back home) told me about. And the Bahruths have been wanting me to go to church with them since I got here. So I waited for a day when I didn't have to be at work until real late (5:15pm) to accept their invitation. The drive was about an hour and the preaching was an hour a half. That doesn't mean worship and preaching, I mean just preaching. The service started at 10am and church was over at 12:30 or a little after. The message the pastor preached on was out of Romans 11:1-6 and he went deep. It was an expositional crawl through the passage, going through the Old Testament passages that referred to the Remnant of the children of Israel. It was cool, but we seriously touched on every reference in those short 6 verses. The pastor referenced the Abrahamic covenant, the Firery furnance, Revelations, Ezekial, Elijah and the prophets of Baal, Jezabel, and I'm sure 20 other things I can't remember now.

But while he was crawling through all that, he said somethings I needed to hear. I've been struggling with so many things: keeping up my daily devos, struggling with the non-Christian environment, being alone with no best friend, trying not to desparately turn to any guy who shows an interest and flirt outrageously with him, and my life-long struggle with lust. Yes, guys, girls struggle with lust very close to the way you do. With me, it comes through one of my hobbies: reading. Anyway, with these things, these areas of pitched warfare, these topics my mind keeps circling around, these are the thoughts I wrote down this morning in response to what I was hearing, only slightly edited for grammar and such. Warning, it is a train of thought and jumps around a lot.

"God can do above all that I can ask or think. Lay it before Him and *trust* Him to take care of it. Sometimes we feel like Elijah, alone in our beliefs. So utterly alone. But God always has a remnant. It is interesting that when the TV is on and I'm reading, I pay more attention to what I'm reading if it is smut than I do if I was reading the Bible. When I'm reading my Bible, I'm so easily distracted. Too easily distracted. God, I need Your help. My lust is a tremendous boulder I cannot remove from my life. It is standing in the way of our relationship. I'm a leaf on the wind, no anchor holds me against the tempest of the world. I'm getting swept up. I need an anchor. I'm also crying for a person to share my life with. Someone who is my best friend, my adviser, and my lover. I'm yearning for him and clutching at straws. This is the other boulder in my life, this want for him, whoever he is. It feeds the lust and the lust feeds it. Help me to to view my life and live my life as expendable to your glory. Like Shadrach, Mishac, and Abendago. Ready to give my life, not willing to compromise my faith in and relationship with God for even three seconds. I know I don't do that now. Help. Please."

The boulders I hold onto instead of Him: lust and the idea of my mate. Living my Plan B, instead of trusting Him with Plan A.

These are the battles of my heart lately. And as usual, church this morning was the best restart for my week. God does that and I think I have a way of explaining it that all who read this can see what I'm trying to say. When I clean, I like to call the process "hitting the restart button". I like cleaning at night, so when I wake up, everything is clean and ready to go for the new day. If it gets messed up during the day, that's ok cause I'll just press the restart button again. I did that a lot when I was home. Of course, the most frustrating part about hitting the restart button is when I can't clean everything, so there is something dirty staring at me the next day when I first wake up. Anyway, I love hitting the restart button and seeing everything fresh and new with no messes in the morning. I figured out two weeks or so ago that church is just that: God pressing my soul's restart button and making me fresh and new for each week. Sundays are a high for me because of that.

And I know it shouldn't be just Sundays that feel that way, it needs to be every day cause that's what I need to survive. But that's one of my struggles here. I prefer to do my daily devos alone and with no one watching. I can't really do that here in the apartment cause someone is here all the time and I'm easily distracted. Too easily distracted. At college I would do my devos before I went to bed. It was easy to do it that way cause my roommate never knew how late I stayed up. Here, I can't do that cause my roommate is usually already asleep and there are people in the living room watching TV. I'm easily distracted, remember, so that's not an option. So I haven't been keeping up with it like I know I should.

Then while I was writing this blog, God gave me a great reminder and encouragement. This song is called "You're not alone" by Meredith Andrews and I've copied the second verse with chorus.

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
saying

You're not alone for I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life

Blessing: my feet are getting used to being stood on all day. I think people at work are starting to see a difference. Someone made a comment that my constant smiles and making kids laugh are making them all look bad. I haven't decided yet if he was mocking me or teasing me.
Frustration: myself and my weaknesses

Posted by Fae at September 21, 2009 01:44 AM