Esin

&hearts

(sorry..i just learned the html for that and wanted to try it out...sooo lame i know b/c most 1st graders even know how to make a heart..eh well)

donne

I've posted this before but it's timeless.

My favorite of Donne's works:

Batter my heart, three person'd God; for, you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt town, to'another due,
Labour to'admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue,
Yet dearely'I love you,'and would be lov'd fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy,
Divorce me,'untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I
Except you'enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

my children

they're lovely. and obnoxious.

babies babies babies

So I can officially get a job now but it would be really kind of pointless since I'm leaving the country in just over a month.
I decided instead to do some volunteer work at the hospital just to get my feet in the door and experience a little of how things run.
The volunteer coordinator at St. Francis got me onto labor and delivery and today was my first day. The floor secretary didn't have much for me to do so I only stayed about an hour and fifteen minutes but it was sooo cool! At first I just made charts up but when I finished that she let me go around to the rooms and see if the new moms needed anything. The babies were so CUTE! and so tiny!
And wouldn't you know, I ran into a guy that knew who I was from bob jones..crazy. I would run into someone I knew (or sort of knew)..

So every thursday I'll be up there in the morning...if you're pregnant and using St. Francis, make sure you plan to have your babies then so I can see them ;-).

at last

Well folks, I finally have one of those rare and sought after things called a "marketable skill". One would think four years of college could've earned me one of those, but no, all a BFA will earn anyone is a cardboard box and a sign that says "will paint/sing/play the piano for food".

So yes, I am now licensed to give baths, change diapers, make beds, insert catheters, take blood and all sorts of other fantastic things.

This also means that once I get a job, I'll be one of those annoying health workers who talks about exceedingly gross stuff at the dinner table (though I already have plenty of stories). :)

Anyway.

My semester is officially over as of about an hour ago which is a huge relief. Now I'm just throwing myself fully into my correspondence class so I can hopefully get it down before I leave in June.

update on school next year:

I decided that, though 17 credits of pure insanity next semester was possible, I really didn't want to sacrifice my entire life to the world of academia so I'm going to just spread the pre-reqs over another two semesters. This way I can work, knock off a good chunk of my school debt and also have at least some semblance of a social life. Yeah, this will put getting into the nursing program off till fall of 08 but I've got to keep telling myself that it's really not that bad. A BSN will be worth the wait.

Compassion Sunday

Tomorrow is Compassion Sunday!

Compassion International has set April 22 as a day for those of us involved as sponsors/donors/advocates to spread the word about child sponsorship.

I will have a table set up at North Hills tomorrow and would love to help anyone interested learn more about how to take part in this absolutely amazing ministry. I'm a little nervous as this is my first real project as an advocate but I'm trusting that the Lord will bring the right sponsors to the right children. "not I but Christ.."

Please pray for the poverty stricken children of the world tomorrow as well as the efforts going on all over the country on behalf of Compassion.

review...

...of the week. To kind of catch everyone up on the reason for my previous emotional trauma.

But first: my parents and I had a movie night last night and I was SERIOUSLY disappointed by One Night With the King. geh. Sooooo cheesy and inaccurate on so many levels. The costumes were alright but even those, at times, seemed like they had been based off of idealized paintings of the story rather than actual research into the Persian culture. And the necklace thing?? geh. I guess I shouldn't have had high expectations in the first place but it is one of my favorite stories in the Bible so I was kind of hoping it would be a little better...
eh well.
Over the Hedge did not disappoint :-).

Getting a little more serious:

It's funny how, when you have no idea how a situation's going to turn out, it seems so so serious and awful but when it ends up for the good, you feel really dumb for even worrying in the first place. I had considered just not following up on the last post but since I did learn some valuable stuff from the whole ordeal, I'll go ahead and give a synopsis of what happened.

A few weeks ago, I went to the emergency room with some bad chest pain, light headedness and an extremely high heart rate (that all happened while I was doing nothing but sitting in class). I've had episodes like this before but it seemed a lot worse that day. After several tests, they decided I was fine but wanted me to follow up with my family doctor the next day.
She was pretty concerned about the symptoms I'd been having so she set me up to get a Holter monitor that would monitor my heart and record my symptoms. I've been wearing it for about two weeks now and have gotten quite a few recordings. Every time I record, I call a lab on the phone and then put the phone next to the monitor and send the recordings that way...it's pretty cool honestly. Technology's pretty amazing. The lab then prints the transmissions out and faxes them to my doctor within 24 hours.

I already had a follow up appointment scheduled with her and honestly, I figured I was just being paranoid about the whole heart thing because I'm otherwise healthy and I wasn't expecting to have to see any specialists or anything else. I'd wear the thing for the four weeks then send it packing and not worry about it. The day I wrote the "I can't" post, I got a call from my doctor who said they wanted to get me into a cardiologist the next morning. I asked the secretary calling me if she knew why and she looked at my record and told me it said something about Tachycardia. Now of course, tachycardia just means a rapid heart beat but in some cases, it has to be treated and that could mean drugs or even a pacemaker. I freaked and immediately started looking stuff up on the internet and worrying because "they wouldn't have set me up with a cardiologist unless something was really wrong".

In hindsight, it really was over reacting but at the time, it seemed completely normal to be worrying. I mean, I'm 23, otherwise healthy, have a lot of plans and dreams and really didn't even want to be considering the possibility of anything being wrong with me. I had visions of me having to have a pacemaker inserted, missing my Boliva trip as a result and having my whole life turned upside down (I'm laughing as I write this..do yourself a favor and don't look stuff up if your health is ever in question).

Needless to say, I went to the cardiologist who had found a few abnormalities on my recordings but they weren't anything that needed treatment. More just annoyances that I would have to just live with. No pacemakers. No medications. I immediately felt really dumb for worrying, but then again, hindsight is always 20/20. I have one more test with another cariologist but based off what we've already got, it will most likely turn out alright.

As silly as my worries seemed, I think God allowed them to make me think very seriously about some stuff I hadn't really given a lot of thought to in the past. If you read my post about health and relationships the other day, you'll know that I'm pretty ok with having to take care of somebody else. I'm going to be a nurse, that's really not a problem. But being faced with my OWN health being comprimised was a completely different story. I have never really had any major problems (except mono and a few other minor issues) and I've never even considered the option of being unhealthy. I flat out said to my mom (and later God) "there wasn't supposed to be anything wrong! I don't want to have a problem! I don't have time or money for a problem!" and basically shook my fist in the face of God with various and sundry other very human statements. And I was dead serious. I was angry. Everything revolved around ME and MY plans and MY life.

Yet again, God is teaching me that life is a vapor...not just in the sense that we die, but that things can change in the blink of an eye and it's ok. I was ranting a couple of posts back on guys who didn't trust God with health issues of their significant other yet here I was completely unfaithful and angry about my own.

So anyway, I've had a lot to think about the last couple of days. Seems like the theme of the last month has been realizing that I can plan and plan and plan and I can finally feel like I "know" where my life is going but it really will rarely actually turn out the way I think it will.

So in summary, a few things I've learned in the past month because of this incident and others (because I didn't even get into what's going on with school..ugh):

-life really is a vapor
-make plans but constantly remind yourself that they're subject to immediate change
-don't wait to do amazing things until you have your life figured out b/c you're never really going to have your life "figured out"
-read your Bible even when you're really really busy
-pray. a lot more than you usually do.
-constantly remind yourself that life is an adventure and that whatever God brings your way, it is meant to grow and mold you more into his likeness, even if it does seem unexpected or even a lot harder than it should

I realize some of those may sound trite or even obvious but how many of us forget the obvious stuff when we're in the midst of a seemingly enormous trial. I know I do.

i can't

I've been laying in bed for sometime now trying to fall asleep but I can't. I keep tossing and turning and steeling myself against the tears that are inevitably going to come anyway. I've got two lines of a really cheesy country song running through my head but for some reason, tonight, it doesn't seem quite as trite:

"God is great
but sometimes life aint good..."

Sometimes life is just downright depressing and unexpected. You spend days fighting back emotions over circumstances you have absolutely no control over. You lie in bed wondering what in the world God could possibly be trying to teach you.
But God is great. Life "aint" good but God is. Even in the "unexpected". (gosh Peter, did God impart some prophetic view of my week unto you while you were planning last Sunday's message??)

I realize I'm being cryptic. I'll write more about why I'm writing this post eventually. For now just pray for me because I'm struggling hard with God over things that are or potentially are happening in my life that I cannot control.

Hokie Hope Day

In remembrance of those who were killed a few days ago at Va Tech, tomorrow has been declared Hokie Hope Day. College students and others who want to show their support will be wearing orange and maroon.

For those of you on facebook, at least one event has been started with nearly 2,000 people planning to "attend".

Show your support!

updated painting

still some issues that i'm noticing every time i look at it but it's about done...

ponderings on a recent discussion

I'm supposed to be at clinicals right now but alas, a rather nasty head cold hit me while I was asleep and I woke up feeling like dirt. So, being the good little student that I generally attempt to be, I got dressed and drove downtown so the teacher could send me home rather than just calling in sick. Fortunately I don't have to make the day up, just have to write a two page paper on the disease of my choice instead. Quite frankly I'd rather write ten two page papers instead of spending the day cleaning up incontinent patients but then that would defeat the whole point of this degree. But anyway. I'm just chilling on my bed now in my PJs so I thought I'd update my somewhat forsaken blog with a little discussion some friends and I had after church yesterday.

I suppose this topic could be slighly controversial though I personally see no room for controversy, struggle or even second thoughts (that's probably a really bad way to start out...). The basic gist of what was being discussed was this: is it ok or understandable for someone to break up with their girlfriend/boyfriend solely based on the fact that this girlfriend/boyfriend has chronic health problems or suddenly finds out about a new health problem.

In the past year or so I've met more guys who seem to think it's ok to just ditch a relationship because they find out that their girlfriend suffers from health problems that could potentially impact his ministry or career (and yes, I'm picking on the guys because I don't think I've ever met a girl with this opinion). Apparently the thinking and reason for struggle is that a lot of guys feel called to a specific ministry and when they all of a sudden find out that the girl they "love" has health issues that could make it impossible to, say, move to the bush of Africa and start an orphanage, they feel it is more important to pursue the "call" in their life rather than stick with the relationship.
My initial reaction to this (other than outrage) is to immediately bring up the fact that a guy could ditch an already unhealthy girl for a healthy one but who's to say that the week after they get married she won't get paralyzed in a car wreck or diagnosed with cancer. Last monday I cared for a woman in her thirties who just weeks ago was a vibrant mother, full of life and completely healthy. Today, after a horrible car vs. train wreck, she squirms around in her bed completely toothless and oblivious to the world. She is incontinent, she wears a diaper and is so out of it that she sticks her hands in it and makes a mess of herself. Not to be gross but that's what any of us could end up like in just a moment. "Life is a vapor". On a more spiritual note, it's like saying to God "I'm sorry God, I need someone perfect to carry on my ministry/career and this person (that just a couple of weeks ago before she was diagnosed with ______ was the woman I felt was God-sent) must no longer be your will for me b/c she's sick."...basically, it's like planning your own life and we all know where that tends to land us.
What if Gods real plan for you is to be a ministry to that sick girl (or guy)? What if "your ministry/career" was really your plan and not God's? Can you in good faith break up with someone who for every other reason is perfect for you simply because of their health?

My good friend Tom and I were discussing this further last night and he brought up an even better point that I hadn't even though of. Marriage is supposed to be a picture of Christ's love for and commitment to the church. When has God ever chosen his bride dependent on her "health". Which of us is spiritually "healthy" enough to carry out God's ministry perfectly just as a lot of guys expect a girl that can fit into their ministry plans perfectly. God chose us, weak and broken as we are to help him in his plan for humanity. He uses me and my various and sundry issues, He used Moses and his lack of good speaking abilities, He used Danny Cruver who was just a baby who lived only 2 years and never spoke, saw or heard anything. How can we then reject someone just based upon health? I can't help but think of Sarah and Bobby McCoy (some of you old BJ people probably remember them). Bobby was in an car wreck during college and was severely paralyzed while they were dating and Sarah stuck with him and married him anyway. That girl has to work so hard physically to take care of him, suffering back pain from transferring him and such but she does it with such joy that as a result, many people have been blessed. What if she had just ditched and said "sorry Bobby, I'm out of here, you're going to be a hinderance to me later in life"?

Another related issue that I'll harp on since I have all day and have already gotten started is that of guys breaking up with girls who find out they may very well not be able to bear children. I actually had a guy say to my face that he would have to marry a girl who could have babies because he wanted a lot of kids (he's pushing 30 and still single..go figure). This situation actually kind of amuses me sometimes because so many guys fail to remember that there's a 50/50 chance that they could just as easily be the reason there are no children as the girl is. Due to our biology, there are more chances of finding out a woman's childbearing capabilities before marriage as opposed to guys but in the end, childbirth is a miracle and you could just as easily end up childless if you don't know of pre-existing conditions. I would have to say that 9 times out of 10, breakups based on this issue are really just a pride thing. There really is no biblical basis for it and in most cases it comes down to reasons such as "I want children to carry on my name" or "I just want to see my own children". All I have to say to that is this: get over yourself and take a look at the orphanages filled with thousands of children who could use a good home. And please consider how the poor girl feels...as if she didn't feel defective enough, she's suddenly unmarriagable because of something she can't even help.

Anyway. I'll step off my soapbox for the time being. I posted this because I'd love to get more feedback. Despite my rather decided opinions on these matters, I promise I won't flame you if you disagree...I'm not always right.

Meanwhile, I'm going to go enjoy my hot tea. :-)

for my brother

..who is still stuck in the dark ages and refuses to get a facebook ;-P..thus forcing me to double post things.

I give you my traumatic experience of the week that happened yesterday:

I've had some ridiculous things happen to me...

Today I spent several hours working on a painting outside on my porch. It's pretty huge and it plus my easel are pretty heavy. I decided to take a break from it for a while and sat down to read and even out my rather lopsided sunburn. I put my chair right near my painting and was enjoying my book when all of a sudden a hefty breeze kicked up and the entire thing fell on my head!!!!

Aside from the fact that I swear I came close to getting a concussion, I looked in the mirror and the entire right side of my head/hair was covered in cadmium red and my right shoulder was blue as was my right forearm.

I just took a 20 minute long shower and washed my hair 3 times and I still have red in it.

This is obnoxious.

The painting is fortunately not too bad off..just a few minor smudges. (it's not finished by the way..still needs an enormous amount of work before it'll be considered finished)