March 12, 2014
1143. my dear,
i know sleeping is now, where we are, or would
be, were i not awake thinking of you there sleeping
down the hall, several footsteps away, near the plumbing
and every squeaky board, wooden floor, treasure under carpet.
my dear,
time, much time mornings, when Night had taken me over
years or days lived in terror, i'd awake and listen to your routine,
comforted to listen, your minutes precious, quiet as your game could be,
since you cared to be very quiet during your back house morning routine, before
kitchen with heated water and cold food cooked, a bowl of cereal, juice, and tea.
my dear,
many years, for love, I'd rise and go to the kitchen and quietly prepare clean and tidy spaces for you and our daughters, or just for you, if I heard you up. i loved you, my dear husband. Love does wonders, simply.
and i might refresh myself with early water or brushed teeth and thyroid medicine before climbing back in bed to listen to the rest of your routine, comforted in your presence, especially if the Night had let me go from terrors and I'd returned whole.
I cannot say more of years past,
of incidents, small and large, that altered
mornings and, now, nighttimes. The terrors have fled away.
i credit friends' prayers and God's Word letting the Night become safe
to bear us.
my dear,
for all the years we have stood at other ends of squeaky boards, have walked
with a wave and blown kiss, saying goodbye and have a good morning, have
entered, perturbed by an hour's harm or a puzzle wedged into our house, an ill
parent, a trip necessary for weeks on end, caring for one and then the other. So many years those were. my dear husband, Jay, you are strong and good.
i see no other way that you are anymore. you are strong and good. and God gifted
you with gifts that you wear with a humble grace anymore. i am thankful to know you, as i know you.
years ago, i was confident to give you a young, dedicated, loving, forgiving, devoted, heavenward bride—myself, body and mind and spirit. now, time has turned us, made us One become four and then a very fast three and finally Two, you and i.
You and I. We are married, my dear Jay.
And I have fumbled more than i could carry, faster than i could run, the Day bringing terrors to me. In chasing reality's Right and purity's Secrets, i fumbled us and fell way down, so far that standing up has been with a broken head, mind reactor to life noise, searching for you, husband, your natural reassurance that you have not shamed me beyond safety to recover from the fall.
my dear husband,
i cannot promise you more than is the woman you know, this wife who writes odd phrases into cuppenrood.com.; the woman who attempts to harmonize a unity that became a monopoly, like the kind of fabric that tints two colors in one passing through light. in that one i have felt buried, like an accident, like a freak of nature, and not like a treasured woman who made her entire life of loving and seeking you. did i make a mistake when i did that? did you tire of me?
our life is larger than one wife and one husband, not that we admit more into our covenant, but that we have seemed blind to the life that is a union of husband and wife, two whole people giving their lives into the world and bringing a family into society, children grown Godward, from Him and returned to Him as their days are lived.
my dear,
may we be two? once more a union that finds a high creativity, noncompetitive, in being married, these years?
Posted by nancy at March 12, 2014 12:36 AM
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Nancy, my LifeLove, my Dearest, no words but thank you and I love you and I am all yours always all life. All My Love Forever. Jay
hello.
Thank you for your reading of this piece and for your reception. You are kind to have responded as you have. A pleasant surprise this morning.
Best to you.
And even if you had not favored the writing, Best to you. Thank you for reading and responding, Mr. B. Zockoll.
N.
Quietly wonderful. I don't often find poetic verse to my liking, but I do sincerely enjoy this - your heart is displayed.