I felt incompetent to mother my first child entering adolescence. To feel as though I was losing my child and failing sounds cruel and terribly selfish as I've described it below, but it was a time I didn't expect. Inexperience is inexperience.
When my older daughter was about 12, she had grown into a person I no longer recognized. She was herself, but I didn't recognize her as this "older" self, and I didn't like her. She was foreign to me. I tried to accept by fact that This Is My Daughter, though I didn't feel drawn to her at all. I didn't know what to do about it. I was frustrated and easily agitated by this "stranger" who used to by my daughter. For over a month, I wrestled with trying to make peace of my feelings. I finally took the matter to God, and told Him that I didn't know this person in my house, and worse, I didn't think I liked her. God did the most beautiful thing for me the day I prayed. He prompted me to tuck her in and kiss her goodnight, like I used to do. I did, and as I looked at my daughter, God showed me my baby in her face. I recognized her again, and all that original Mother love welled over into relief, and joy that I loved—and knew—this child of mine. She is grown now, and we are friends. I praise God today, remembering again that beautiful answer to my heart when she was 12.
Posted by nancy at November 3, 2010 09:32 PM