Monday, January 12, 2009 at 9:54PM
These matters are done singly, chosen for oneself. Other and Else has little to do with the owners and movers of said choice, space, want, substitute, shape or show of decision.
Slow of decision. Slow love of decision. Concrete perched.
I have wanted a dog for a long time. We have a cat. I wanted her first and, nine years later, got her. This past year, I wanted a dog so badly that I bought a fish. He was living last month when I bought the concrete dog for our front porch. Murray Halfmoon Augustbot, a Three Name fish like a baby or something. The dog's name is Haggai. He is loyal and concrete.
The thing about MHA fish long-name is that I said I wanted him, and so I was expected to keep wanting him--to show it, if that meant my solely taking care of him till death did he part. I didn't know that'd be yesterday or today. I didn't know he'd die on a full moon and half stomach, if he did in fact die yesterday of starvation during the full moon. He didn't look sick or toxic or anything.
I think he was starving, because each time I asked if someone had fed him, they'd say "No." (They had fed him from time to time.) I hadn't fed him (though I did faithfully at first), or when I had, he did not eat. Jay told me that MHA was cold; he was eating the plants I had put into his fishbowl; that's why MHA wasn't eating.
Murray wasn't eating the plants, but he was cold. Fact is, Murray wasn't a dog.
What must a fish day be like--if you're starving and a Halfmoon Beta starving to death during a full moon, when a raccoon is on the deck? (There was a raccoon.) Had he been a dog, Murray would have been impossible to ignore, impossible NOT to have fed. He would have whined or shown he was disgruntled. He would have barked at the raccoon, torn the furniture, pulled on a pant leg or skirt, ripped a shoe apart.
A fish isn't that interested, though. A fish isn't that capable of showing he's starving. Can a fish live long enough to starve? Is starving relative to life expectancy?
Is this why suicide rates are higher among the young? Intense sense of starvation? AS fish?
What is a fish day like? And why?
And it's just a fish.
Still—I’m glad I'm not a dog or a fish, or a raccoon, since I am literally NOT those other lives.
And glad I won't be our next fish or the pet dog we eventually get. God willing we agree to love who's home at the same time. At the same time.
Maybe . . . whining or barking or pulling or ripping or starving, half-whole in a full house. A fish?
My dog is on my front porch. I don't have to feed him. He's concrete. Who am I assuming is concrete that isn't?
Who and what am I not feeding? Is it because of at the same time and the family's got my little guppy covered? Is it because of why a fish in a flower bowl for an idealistic human who wants another species entirely, hoping a fellow same species will be able to pretend to be idealistically caring about totally non-communicative, silent, plant-hidden water filter?
Is a fish more?
Much more. To me.
This fish dying tells me that it IS about Me. What I want, say I want or choose to substitute for what I want, as well as how I choose to own or show or go after some thing (as fish or dog or interest), then reverence having it, is FOR ME to do. Heaven will honor Christ Jesus and redeemed common sense. Responsible—be fruitful and multiply. Babies or not. Be fruitful and multiply.
But for the people's sadness, the LORD destroyed them. Joy above their fellows—This is way more than fish.
off track and stopping
goodnight for now